a week of recovery

 It's both inspiring and disorienting to see how different I feel each day. When I was in the hospital, I thought I had never been anywhere else. I was waking up so slowly. However, I always thought that I was at my max capacity of alertness. It feels like so much happened while I was there and there was no before. Like I was born then. But when I think back, really nothing happened other than my vitals being taken again and again. 

At home I have been slow to wake up as well. Today is the first day I have any degree of stamina for being out of bed. I still have a feeling of the life I saw flash before my eyes and wanting to hold onto it and shine a mirror up to that little glow ball I'm carrying with me but maybe I'm not awake yet.

One thing I want to talk about is my dreams. Whether it's the medication, or the moon, or the healing sleep I don't know but I've been having some dreams. 

The first night I was home I kind of forget what the dream was. All I remember is that it involved Josh and maybe I was at my parents and it was one of a kind of dreams I have about possible lovers sometimes where they keep reaching out or maintaining contact but there's some question on my part about whether or not it's romantic or special or not. And then towards the end it ramps up and the question feels answered and it's like WE ARE OR ARE ABOUT TO have a special relationship and I wake up feeling warm and loved.

This one was complicated though because I have been so angry at not feeling warm and loved from yeshie for months. He sent me a very brief "love you get better" email that felt.. unsatisfactory. I spent all morning lying on my back in that Polyanna style that I love thinking about how I must never be able to talk to him again because I can't imagine him seeking out and starting a conversation by apologizing or asking questions. And then I thought -- I must not be able to have this relationship anymore because he won't do what I need. I have been thinking that for weeks, that I still love him very dearly but just cannot be friends with him if he can't be more open and accessible. Then when he sent me this email I was like... yep, that's it, I am just not going to speak to him. I imagined seeing him and him being casual and hanging and having conversation with me and others and me just being shut off and inaccessible and that was just the future forever. Then after some time I started imagining another way... like maybe it's possible for me to feel like I'm not owed anything or there's not something that has to be proven to be friends. Maybe the thing I'm waiting for is not to see if he will open up and be vulnerable and apologize but really I'm waiting to see if I will be able to accept his process and let it be the past and just accept that I didn't like it but it's not the future. This sounds like I'm opening myself up to be taken advantage of but that's not really how it feels. It feels more like... if I'm grounded in myself than I can make decisions in the moment about what feels respectful or accessible to me in terms of being open hearted and I dont have to make a plan ahead of time about what will and wont be acceptable to me. 

I also had a dream one night that I was pregnant and my doctor was Keoni Hudoba and I had to go up many floors in a huge elevator and there were like little one way tracks but the level of the building was actually like a tiny world where he lived and also practiced and I had to have my exams in his car and we also kind of flirted and loved each other but then I met his wife and young children and was disappointed because she seemed bland and churchy.

 

The next day I had a dream that I was in a field with Amanda and other friends and we had to split up to do different activities but we must have been vacationing together somewhere but I was going to go off with Andrea and Aileen and one of Aileen's friends in a pick up truck and we were going to get canoes and go canoeing. Me and this woman were kind of flirting as we were walking around the field getting to the truck and canoes and then we were riding around in the bed of the truck through the city and Aileen was taking us to all these weird alleys and bodegas to pick up random things or just as her route and I wasn't looking at this woman but at one point I let my foot fall and rest on her calf and I guess she took that as an invitation and just started kissing and licking and biting my side body and I was like "we're just jumping straight to this and not going to like pretend to talk through it?" but I felt frozen and didn't say anything.